


Kokology

by FalseDevotion



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Angst, Fluff, M/M, Psychology, and stuff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-24
Updated: 2019-04-24
Packaged: 2020-01-31 09:26:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,725
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18588409
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FalseDevotion/pseuds/FalseDevotion
Summary: “If you want to do the test, you can’t know what it is about beforehand.” Michael said. Ashton frowned a little, offering Calum the bottle. “It’s just, I would need you two to answer a series of questions.” Michael explained, resisting the urge to roll his eyes again when Calum’s cheeks grew darker as his fingers touched Ashton’s when the older handed him the bottle, Calum quickly turning away after it. “And you shouldn’t know what the answers mean. It would affect the result of the test.”“And what is this test supposed to be for?”“It brings to the surface facets of your personality.”orMichael's a psychology student that often tests theories on his roomates, and maybe Calum and Ashton really need to face their shit.





	Kokology

**Author's Note:**

> This started as a harmless one-shot after a friend of mine did this test on me, and then it turned slightly angsty in the middle hahhaha  
> I couldn't resist.  
> If you guys want to do the test before you read there's tons of different versions of it on the internet! Just google cube, ladder and desert test and you'll find it!  
> Hope you enjoy it!!

“What are you two idiots laughing about?” Ashton asked as he came through the front door, sunglasses on to keep the sun away from his hungover eyes and carrying three grocery bags by himself.

Unsurprisingly enough, Calum trailed behind him like a puppy. Well. An overgrown puppy. The motherfucker was bigger almost than all of them nowadays except for Luke, who was annoyingly occupying the whole couch and forcing Michael to crump in a corner. Even worse, he was using his boyfriend’s lap as an extension of the couch to rest his feet.

“Michael was just analysing the depths of my soul.” Luke piped from his position, his eyes glinting when they crossed with Michael’s and making the older chuckle and shake his head, squeezing his ankle fondly. He couldn’t even be mad at the blonde when he was crumped against the armrest.

“Gross.” Calum grunted, falling face first into the beanbag after Ashton virtually ignored his attempt to help him carry the groceries. Michael rolled his eyes. Ashton really was oblivious as fuck not to see that.

“Is that a new euphemism for fucking his brains out?” The oldest arched an eyebrow at him from above Luke, handing the blonde a couple of beers before turning and walking away towards the kitchen. Michael watched as he left the rest of the groceries on the counter that overlooked their dining room and started to unpack.

“Luke meant psychologically.” Michael tsked from his end and taking his own bottle as Luke offered it to him.

“I’m sure it was just _psychologically_.” Calum mumbled against the bean bag, rolling in it until he was facing Michael, smirking up at him. “I’m sure it was exactly like that time he was helping you study Freud.”

“Shut up, Cal.” Michael hissed, sending him a look.

If his best friend was coming here to mess with him, he would get it back double. It was high time Calum faced his shit and finally talked about the elephant of the room, and Michael was not afraid to be the one to push him to it. _It_ being Calum finally speaking about his immortal crush on Ashton. That had been going on for way too long. And even though at first it was kind of funny watching them both pine after each other –because Ashton was actually much _worse_ than Calum, his permanent heart eyes at everything the younger said too big for his face–, it got tiring after a while. Especially whenever Calum got drunk and sullen and would shut himself out of the world for days at a time. Ashton wasn’t too much fun on those days either.

The oldest was still putting things away, Calum watching him from the beanbag with a longing expression, seemingly not noticing –or caring– that he was staring at him so openly. Michael rolled his eyes once again, and it was just the worst when Ashton caught the newly dyed blonde boy looking. Ashton sent him a smile, Calum’s cheeks immediately dusting slightly red before he rolled to his right, facing away from the kitchen and taking out his phone.

Oh shit. Wait. Maybe the test could be the perfect way to have them finally confronting their feelings for each other. It had worked thus far with the people in Michael’s psychology class and with _Luke_. Like, Luke’s description had been on point and Michael had had to actually stop for a moment as he choked up at the meaning of what he had been saying.

“Mike?” His boyfriend nudged his leg, his eyebrows up as he chanced a look at Ashton in the kitchen and then nodded towards Calum watching stubbornly away from him. Great minds.

“I just ran a test this Japanese guy invented on Luke. That’s what we were laughing about.” Michael started, glancing up to Ashton. He knew the older would bite into the psychological analysis shit better than Calum. Ashton had always been fascinated by Michael’s assignments and had submitted himself as a Guinea Pig for Michael to analyse multiple times. “TA tried it on us this morning. It was kind of freakishly _accurate_.”

“Yeah, more than kind of. I mean, my shitty ladder–”

“Luke.” Michael hissed.

“What?” Luke asked, confused. Michael arched an eyebrow, and he saw the realisation dawning on Luke’s face. “Oh, right. They can’t know.”

“What can’t we know?” Ashton piped in, finally finishing putting away everything on the fridge and grabbing a couple of sodas, heading back to them and walking up to Calum with his precious Coke Zero.

“If you want to do the test, you can’t know what it is about beforehand.” Michael said. Ashton frowned a little, offering Calum the bottle. “It’s just, I would need you two to answer a series of questions.” Michael explained, resisting the urge to roll his eyes again when Calum’s cheeks grew darker as his fingers touched Ashton’s when the older handed him the bottle, Calum quickly turning away after it. “And you shouldn’t know what the answers mean. It would affect the result of the test.”

“And what is this test supposed to be for?”

“It brings to the surface facets of your personality.” Michael answered carefully. Ashton squinted his eyes at him, but Luke cut in and the older’s suspicion shifted to him.

“It brings up other _interesting_ stuff as well.” The younger laughed, sending Ashton a wink. “It’s good, Ash.”

“Okay, I’m in.” That was way too easy, but Michael already knew he would bite. Ashton turned to look at Calum, who was distractedly sipping from his Coke as he scrolled down Instagram. “Cal?”

“Whatever.”

The boy didn’t even look up, but Michael still knew he was paying attention. He probably was just trying to avoid Ashton’s gaze, and Michael’s eyes trailed upwards. Yeah. There was _that_ flash of hurt behind Ashton’s eyes at Calum not looking back to him. Michael prayed to the rocks that the test worked and they would finally face their feelings for each other.

“What questions do we need to answer?” Ashton asked, dragging a chair from their dining table and sitting on it backwards.

“Michael will just ask you to imagine shit and describe it to him in detail.”

“Yeah, more or less.”

“Cool.” Calum cut in, startling the three of them with his sudden “on-boardedness” and locking his phone, turning to face them. He was still avoiding Ashton’s gaze.

“You just need to say the first thing that comes to your mind, ‘kay?” Michael pressed.

It was incredibly important that they didn’t take too long to answer, or they would probably deviate from what they really thought.

“Start already.” Ashton chuckled, taking a swig of his own soda and settling it on the table, eyeing Calum.

The younger boy was pointedly facing towards the couch, acting as if Ashton wasn’t even there. They were weirder than usual today, normally they weren’t avoiding each other’s gaze this much. Anyway.

“Okay. First, I need you two to describe me a desert.”

“Why?” Calum scrunched up his nose.

“Just do it, Cal.” Luke shot him a smile, retreating his feet from Michael’s lap were he had started to fidget. It worried Michael, and he was just about to ask Luke what was up when Ashton started talking.

“Mine’s sheltering hot. Dunes everywhere.”

Michael sent Luke a look of warning when the younger let out a soft snort, but he was slightly concerned about the restless moving.

“Mine has dunes too. And an oasis further back. With Palm tress and shit.”

“ _Great_. Oasis. That’s just too great.” Luke laughed again, shaking his head, and Michael reached to swat at his legs, Calum and Ashton looking inquisitively at him.

“Is that bad?” Ashton asked, frowning, eyes darting towards Calum.

“Nothing’s bad in here.” Michael hurried to add. “Now I need you two to describe a cube. You know, 3D.”

“He also needs size, colour, material, where it is in the scene… Everything you guys can describe.” Luke piped in again, but he wasn’t laughing anymore, he had grown serious.

Well. It was were the deep shit started to come out.

“Mine’s small-ish. Maybe one of those sugar cubes but slightly bigger?” Calum said, biting his lip as he looked to Michael.

“Where is it in the desert?”

“Floating?”

“A sugar cube floating in the desert? Really?” Luke arches his eyebrows, but before Calum could answer Ashton gave his own description.

“Mine’s like a football size wise. Dark wood. It’s firmly planted on the sand close to me.”

Michael nodded towards him, mentally writing everything down. He hadn’t expected Calum’s cube to be floating, but maybe it made sense right now. He had been more aloof than normal lately, but it still surprised him.

“Okay, okay… what was next…” Michael thought if he ought to ask about the ladder or not.

Calum had been in a mood about his future for weeks now, and Ashton wasn’t too far behind. He had a job alright, and it paid well for what it was, but he hated being chained to a desk doing accounting. It wasn’t his dream job. It wasn’t even in his field. And even when he kept it to himself most of the time, Michael had heard Ashton whispering late at night one day to Calum –when they thought Michael was still asleep on the sofa– about how he felt like he was wasting his life on a job that he hated only to get money. Michael had rolled away after hearing that, fallen back asleep before he even heard Calum’s answer.

Luke slid his way over to him, taking his hand and cuddling into him. It brought Michael out of his thoughts, making him shake his head at himself. Luke grounded him, and he sighed as the younger sent him a smile.

“Okay, you guys need to imagine a ladder now.” Luke said for him, squeezing his hand as he looked between Calum and Ashton. Michael was grateful.

He loved studying psychology and the human mind, but he always felt like an asshole when analysis revealed shitty or bad things. It wasn’t pretty. And every time Ashton offered himself he felt grateful for his readability to lend him a hand, but it was also more difficult for Michael, because knowing Ashton as a friend made him feel even worse when nasty stuff came out.

“Mine is lent a bit on the cube, metal. Like one you would use to help you reach a higher shelf.” The oldest boy said, making Michael turn to look at him. Well. That wasn’t bad. That wasn’t bad at all. Ashton tentatively smiled at him as he tapped his fingers on the back of the chair, a weird look on his face. Shit. Maybe Michael hadn’t schooled his face enough to–

“Mine’s on the ground. Old wood. Brittle.” Calum piped up from the beanbag, crossing his arms as he chanced a look up to Ashton, and Michael turned to face his best friend so fast that his neck cracked.

“What?”

“One of those old sea weathered woods. It’s pretty. The wood’s brittle and like, turning white because of the salt. The kind of shit you find on Pinterest.” Calum laughed, but it only made Michael frown. Fuck.

“You said it was on the ground?” He asked slowly.

“Oh. It’s just on the sand. I mean. There’s no wall to put it up against, so… Sand.” Calum mumbled, a nervous laugh escaping him as he looked between Michael and Luke. “Why?”

“Nothing. I’ll tell you later. Is it close to the cube?” Michael prodded, trying to at least get something less worrisome out of Calum.

“Yeah. It’s right next to it.”

Michael nodded, sighing. He felt Luke leaning in closer, and he tightened his hold on him. The younger shared a look with him. Knowing what Calum's and Ashton's answers meant was putting them already ahead. And Michael hadn’t really wanted to psychoanalyse this part of them. He _knew_ them. Knew Calum was having trouble setting himself goals for the future, knew Ashton was slightly better, but… Hearing it so blatantly described was making him uneasy.

“If there was a storm in the scene how would you describe it?” He asked them suddenly, and his eyes widened when he caught both boys jumping on their seats. Michael realised they had been looking at each other.

Okay. Something definitely was weird. Ashton was tapping his fingers even more furiously now, and he only did that when he was thinking too hard about something. Michael had a feeling it wasn’t about the test. And. The older was blushing.

“Ash?”

“What? Oh. Yeah. It’s on the back of the picture, far away. It’s raining a lot.” He answered quickly, looking down even quicker.

“Mine’s all black. It’s coming to the fore-front where the cube is. Rain, thunder, lightning. Sandstorm. The whole shebang.” Calum chuckled, his eyes glinting in the afternoon sun coming from the window. It was weird hearing the laughter in his voice when Michael knew what those words meant. Worst of all, Calum was saying them like it was amusing, throwing these descriptions around.

“Two things left now.” Michael sighed, feeling Luke pressing a kiss to his jaw, his heart jumping a little inside his chest. “I need you to describe a horse you see in the scene. Where it is, what it's doing, its colour, etc.”

“Yeah, please. This is the actual _interesting_ part, don’t spare _any_ details.” Luke chortled, and even thought Calum and Ashton looked at them suspiciously, they still answered them.

“You guys know this type of horses that are like… light brown-ish? With blonde manes? Those are beautiful. I don’t remember what they’re called.” Ashton laughed. “My horse’s one of those.”

“Meh. Mine’s a workhorse, brown. Pretty. His mane is curly." Calum stated, before musing. "Are there horses with curly manes?”

Michael couldn’t help but let out a snort. How could they be this oblivious? Luke had joined him, but the younger was actually laughing out loud, glancing between their friends as he held his belly.

“Seriously?”

“What?” Calum asked, and Ashton squinted at them, trying to discern what had caused them to laugh.

“Nothing, nothing. You’ll see in a bit. What are your horses doing? They close to the cube? Tied down? Saddled?”

“Well, mine’s licking it. I mean. Sugar cube. Horse. Duh. And he’s free.” Calum laughed, glancing up to Ashton in the chair and then back to Michael, laughing a little, his eyes flitting nervously between him and Luke, whose laughter had doubled at Calum’s description, tears actually falling from the corner of his eyes. Michael shoved his elbow into Luke’s side, poorly disguising his own laugh as a cough before turning to Ashton.

“And yours?”

“It’s sniffing the cube. Playing with it and then walking away. Then it comes back. And again and again.”

“ _This is too much_.” Luke snickered near his ear, and Michael tried to sober up himself before tackling the final question.

“Okay, let’s finish this before Luke pisses his pants.”

“Hey!”

“If there were flowers, how many would there be? And where? Which kind?”

“Flowers? In a desert?” Calum snorted, Luke still chuckling as he clutched his belly closer, like it was starting to hurt. Michael could certainly understand.

“Deserts can bloom, Cal. And you should know, you said yours had an oasis.” Ashton rolled his eyes at him, but there was just so much fondness in them that it didn’t carry any weight. “Mine _is_ blooming, in fact. Thanks to the water from the storm.”

“The whole desert?” Michael asked, his eyes wide.

“Not the _whole_ desert. Just as small patch of green. Not way too close, but close enough. Daisies. White.”

“ _Oh my god_.”

“Why are you laughing at that, Luke? What the hell are you guys testing with this shit?” Calum turned to look at them, suspicion growing on his eyes, but Michael knew not even in a million years he would imagine what Ashton had just _really_ said.

“Just answer the question, Cal. And then I’ll tell you what everything meant.” Michael tried, gently, containing his laughter at Ashton’s answer.

“Okay. There’s a couple near the cube and the horse. Happy? They’re red.”

“Great. This is _magical._ ” Luke chortled next to him, shaking his head.

“What the fuck is your boyfriend laughing about, Clifford?” Calum clicked his tongue, annoyed.

“Luke, shut up. I’ll start analysing from the beginning, and there’re a couple of serious things I need to explain there, so please wait until I can tell them about the horse.”

“But their _horses…_ ” Luke giggled. “Oh god, I can’t wait to see their faces when they _realise_.”

“What does he mean when we _realise_? Realise what?” Ashton asked, his voice turning slightly higher in nervousness.

“Don’t pay him any mind.” Michael dismissed, rolling his eyes at his still giggling boyfriend. “The cube is supposed to represent your ego. Because when we are asked to describe something without a pre-existing form we project ourselves or some shit.”

“Oh my god, Cal. You literally described yourself as _sugar_.” Ashton teased, his eyes sparkling. It made Luke laugh even harder to Michael’s left.

“You just wait. It gets better, Ash.” The youngest let out in between giggles.

“Leave me alone. At least my ego is smaller than yours.” Calum huffed, taking back his soda and taking a sip. But he was slightly blushing.

Michael felt fondness in his chest as his reaction. Ashton wasn’t half-wrong. Calum did indeed have a sweet nature. Always had. And that his cube was small had more to say about his self-confidence than anything else.

“Planted on the ground means you’re a realist, floating means you’re a dreamer.”

“Well, that’s… right about us, right Cal?” Ashton asked, his tone clipped. And there was some emotion in his face as he looked at Calum in the beanbag that Michael wasn’t able to read. And normally he was able to read people –especially his friends– quite well.

“I guess.” Was Calum’s only answer, still pointedly refusing to look at Ashton.

Something was definitely going on between them, but it didn’t seem like one of their famous fights. There had been a couple of those last week, but they always made up quickly. Even when they had been yelling at each other for hours prior to that. But this thing today… It wasn’t that. Michael was sure it was different.

Calum normally gravitated towards Ashton, probably subconsciously, even when they were fighting or not speaking, and today he was doing a conscious job of keeping his distance.

“Should I go on?” Michael prompted, trying to get it moving along. Ashton eagerly nodded, turning back to face him and Luke when he realised Calum wasn’t going to look back at him. “The ladder is supposed to represent two things.” Here was where some shit was going to come out. He prayed it didn’t thrust Calum into an even worse mood. “First, with how close it is to your cube, that’s your relationship with your friends.”

“Mine was leaning against it.”

“That probably means we rely on you too much.” Luke laughed, but…

That was true. Ashton was the one they all turned to when they fucked up or when they needed help with adulting stuff, and the older boy was always happy to help.

“We actually do, that’s accurate.” Calum whispered, but he was frowning. “Mine wasn’t even touching the cube.”

“But it was close, Cal. That’s good. It means you’re close with your friends.” Michael smiled. Because the second meaning was the worst, and he didn’t want the first to be shitty too. And Calum _was_ close with them. “What’s slightly worrying is that your ladder was on the ground. The second thing it represents is your aspirations and goals.”

“Well, then. Of course mine’s on the ground. I don’t have any.” The younger boy snorted, his eyes crinkling as he laughed. But there was a hint of self-hatred there, and it didn’t exactly sit well with Michael.

Calum had had dreams, once upon a time, whispered to Michael late at night about how he was going to be writing movies that made a difference. How he wanted to be able to live off of his words. But that had turned to dust after a few failures and no job offer of any kind for close to a year after he had finished his studies.

Michael was about to say something, try to cheer him up some way, when Ashton got up from his chair, swiftly walking around the coffee table and taking a seat next to Calum.

“Scooch over.”

“Go away.” Calum spat, but it didn’t have any heat behind it. “This isn’t meant for two people, we’re going to break it.”

“I don’t care.” Ashton said determined. “That ladder can go back up, you just need a wall. I can be the wall.”

 _You’re something else, though,_ Michael thought. And there was something in Ashton’s tone that implied he was suggesting something _else_. Something Michael couldn’t put his finger on. But it was good, that he offered. Ashton could help Calum get that metaphorical ladder back up. Michael knew the younger boy would get back up if he just accepted the help. What was worrying was–

“You should maybe rebuild in some stronger material, though.” Luke piped in. “Ashton’s metal is good, right, Mike?”

“What?” Michael let out when Luke squeezed his hand. “Yeah. Yeah. Metal’s good. Means goals and friendships are strong.” He answered quickly. “You can build around it, Cal. We can help you. This test isn’t like, definitive for your whole life.”

“I know, it’s just... freaking accurate right now.” Calum mumbled, scrunching up his face. Michael watched with widened eyes as Ashton sneaked an arm around his waist, whispering something in Calum’s ear that made the younger smile for a second, cheeks dusting red. “Can we move on to the next thing?” Calum pleaded, looking back up to Michael, but he didn’t do anything to get away from Ashton’s arm.

“Yeah.” Michael’s eyes crossed with Luke’s for a moment, and the expression on his boyfriend’s face told him this shit was news to him too. Something had definitely happened between those two.

“The storm is supposed to represent your fears and worries.” Luke offered, seemingly sensing Michael was having a slightly bad time continuing with this part.

“Oh great, another thing that represents my shitty life right now. It’s coming for me with everything.” Calum laughed mirthlessly, Ashton’s face growing worried.

“You should cling to that ‘right now’, Cal. And you’re strong, you can weather it.” The older tried, and Michael felt like they were intruding in something they weren’t really supposed to see.

“I’m a fucking sugar cube, Ashton.” The younger exclaimed. “I’m going to end up buried in the sand or struck by lightning and destroyed or something.”

“You said your horse was licking it. Maybe it can protect it?” Ashton suggested, his eyes looking at Michael for help. And Michael was just trying not to laugh at what Ashton had just proposed. Without even knowing it. Psychology was fascinating. “What does the horse mean, anyway?”

Luke let out a snort to Michael's left, making him shake his head at it.

“The horse is your ideal or current partner.” Michael let out, trying still to contain his smile, but Ashton suddenly retreated his arm from around Calum as if he had burned himself, putting some distance between them.

“ _What._ ” He said with a tiny squeaky voice.

“Oh, you heard him, Ash.” Luke snorted. “Your horses are supposed to represent your partner. As in. Romantic. Relationship. _Boyfriend_ , in your case.”

“ _Oh, my god_.” Calum mumbled, his cheeks growing redder than Michael had ever seen them before the younger buried his face in his hands. Ashton was staring off into space, his cheeks equally red.

“Okay, I think it’s time you tell us what the hell’s going on with you two. You’re acting hella weird today. And it’s not the _test_.” Michael prompted. He was sure now that _something_ must have happened between them, but he wasn’t sure _what_.

“I…” Ashton started, coughing a little. “We, um…”

“We fucked last night.” Calum finished for him, his voice muffled by his hands still covering his face.

“You _what_?” Luke exclaimed, jumping up from his seat, staring at them.

“You heard him, Luke. Please, don’t make this worse.” Ashton muttered.

“ _Worse_? This is freaking amazing! We’ve been waiting for you guys to stop pining and actually go for it for _ages_.” Luke started. “Do you even realise you guys described _each other_? Didn’t you hear yourselves?” Luke pressed gesturing wildly as a bright smile overtook his features. “Light brown, blonde mane, Ash? Really?” Luke kept going, laughter seeping into his voice. “And you? Cal? You want to know what a brown horse means? _Stability_. _Familiarity._ _Reliability_. Plus, don’t get me started on _curly mane_.” Luke finished, giggling and clapping like a madman.

Michael was still studying their friends, who seemed very intent on not looking at each other. Wait. Calum had said…

“Wait. You said you fucked. You didn’t say you were together.” He realised.

Calum jumped from his seat, sliding further away from Ashton, and suddenly Ashton’s description of what his horse was doing came back full force on Michael’s mind. He said the horse was playing with the cube. And then going away. And then coming back. _What the hell was Calum doing to him_.

“We’re not together, no.” Ashton confirmed, getting up from the beanbag without even looking to his left where Calum was still hiding away his face, and stamped out of the room, the slam of his bedroom door echoing in the hallway. The younger boy flinched at the sound, and when he let his hands slowly fall from his face, his eyes were red and there were tears in his cheeks.

“Oh, shit.” Luke muttered, taking a seat back down.

“What the hell happened, Calum?” Michael said cautiously.

He leaned forward and searched his friend’s face for any indication of what had apparently gone wrong between him and Ashton. But the younger had only started to cry harder at the question, and Michael slid down from the couch and wrapped him in a hug. Calum clung to him tightly as soon as Michael was near.

It worried the older, seeing him like this. A quick glance to Luke told him it worried the blonde too. Michael had seen Calum cry, but only a handful of times. And it had usually been at some shitty movie or something that made him emotional. His own shit he normally carried inside, never even letting the rest of them see it. He didn’t even _talk_ to Michael about his problems, and they had known each other for nearly two decades. At first it had stung, but then Michael learnt that Calum just wasn’t someone who shared a lot, and the boy preferred to keep to himself. In fact, when he had his moods, there was only one person Calum allowed inside his room. And that _someone_ had just stormed off.

Michael felt Luke kneeling beside them, his hand stroking up and down Calum’s back as the younger kept crying silently, his body shaking with the force of his sobs. Michael felt bad that they were both here while Ashton was all alone, but… Calum had just never shown himself this vulnerable to him before, and that was saying something, given how long they had known each other.

“I just…” He started, cutting himself off as he sniffled. “We kissed, like, three months ago. We were both drunk. I thought Ash didn’t remember it, because the next day he didn’t say anything.” He stopped, a sob coming up his throat. Michael squeezed his hold on him for a moment, before leaning back again to look at his face.

“What happened last night, Cal?” Luke asked, but his voice was soft, like he was as scared as Michael felt at seeing Calum like this for the first time in years of friendship.

“I, um… Ash…” He trailed off, sniffling. “Ash told me…”  He closed his eyes again, right hand coming up again to rub his face as he sighed. “Ash told me he loved me, last night. Before… um. Before we had sex.”

Michael had heard the gasp to his left, but he was more focused on Calum right now.

“I don’t understand, Cal. Why the fuck are you not together now?” Calum had his arms around himself now, looking down to his feet. Michael frowned. “You’ve had a crush on him _forever._ You’re _in love_ with him.”

Calum sniffled at that again, coughing a little as he tried to compose himself.

“I _am_. But…” He took a deep breath. “Ashton isn’t in love with me. I’m sure of that.”

“He told you he _was._ ” Luke piped in. “Why the hell would you not believe him?”

“Because he’s just not, okay?” Calum exploded, crawling backwards and getting up, walking away from them as he tightened his hug on himself. “He’s _not_. He was drunk last night, and he was drunk when he first kissed me, and he had been telling me for months he had a crush on a guy. He’s been telling me how he _fell in love_ with _that_ guy. And it wasn’t me he was talking about.”

“I never said it wasn’t _you_ , Cal. You just assumed.”

Michael almost jumped, turning to look at the hallway. Ashton stood there, just slightly out of the hall and directly across from Calum, eyes as red as the younger’s, and seemingly having gotten out of his room so silently none of them had heard him.

“Shut up, Ash.” Calum spat, but his voice was weak, but Michael saw the way his eyes widened with surprise before he turned his back on them.

“I’m not drunk now. Why won’t you just believe me?” Ashton exclaimed.

Michael felt like he was watching a tennis match, his eyes darting from one to another as he watched the scene play out in front of him. Shit. Maybe the test had been a bad idea. A very, _very_ , bad idea.

“I love _you_ , Cal.” Ashton insisted, his voice carrying something in it that made the hairs at the back of Michael’s neck stand up. It was too raw an emotion to have just come out of nowhere.

“You _don’t._ ”

“You’re just trying to run away. It’s what you _do_. And it doesn’t feel great for the people you leave behind.” Ashton finished with a sigh, leaning against the wall as if he just couldn’t keep his own weight up.

“I’m not running away.” Calum muttered stubbornly from the other side of the room. “You never told me it was me. And I had to go through _months_ of hearing you talk about someone. And you _knew_ I had feelings for you, Ash. You fucking knew.”

“I FUCKING _KISSED_ **_YOU_** , CAL!”

“And you didn’t say anything about it to me the next day.” Calum said coldly, finally turning around to look at Ashton again.

Michael had half a mind to take Luke’s hand and take them both the hell away from here, but somehow he felt glued to the floor, unable to tear his gaze away from both his friends.

“You didn’t say anything either, Calum.” Ashton mumbled. “This is not only on me.”

At that Calum gasped, taking a couple of steps back. Michael worried that he would run outside, as close as he was to the door, but Calum stayed were he was, a thousand emotions playing as fast as lighting through his eyes as he looked at Ashton.

“I tried talking to you about my feelings. I just thought you’d figured out I was talking about you.” The older sighed, shaking his head. “I guess it was a stupid tactic.”

“That’s literally the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.” Michael muttered under his breath, and Luke elbowed him in the ribs.

“It worked for you with me, so shut it.”

“Yeah, but Calum’s stupidly oblivious and Ashton should have known that.” Michael whispered back, shrugging.

Their friends were still staring at each other, Calum’s hands trembling at his sides were they were hanging lifelessly.

“Why didn’t you just tell me? Three months ago?” Calum asked quietly.

“I didn’t think you’d like to hear it. You’ve always run away when things have been too close for comfort. I _know_ you, Cal.” Ashton chuckled, standing up straight again. “This was as safe as I could get to telling you without having to watch you running away from me.”

“You can’t know if I’d have run away.” Calum said calmly, but Michael was kind of scared of what was still going on behind his eyes.

“You ran away this morning.” Ashton sighed, a tear falling from the corner of his eye. Michael had never seen him look so defeated. “Can you just imagine...? I tell you I love you, and we have sex, and then you run away next morning? Can you imagine how that makes me feel, _Cal_?” Ashton went on, his voice breaking in the middle of it.

Michael felt Luke’s hand searching for his, squeezing it and tugging like he was trying to remove them both from the situation. But Michael still couldn’t move from his place, was still glancing between their friends, unable to look away.

“I’m sorry.” Calum mumbled, his feet coming up to rub his calve, eyes cast down.

Michael was seriously thinking about getting up and making them kiss and make up. Like. Only those two fucking idiots could have let this misunderstanding go on for _months_ , making each other suffer through it.

“I’m sorry too.” Ashton muttered.

Neither of them were doing anything else, though, they were just glued to their spots, staring at the floor. Michael could feel Luke growing restless next to him. He glanced to his left, and sure enough, the blonde’s eyes were shifting between Ashton and Calum like he was waiting for them to move. But they weren’t, and Michael knew Luke was about to explode, so he scurried to get up, tugging on Luke’s hand and starting their way to the door.

“O-kay, we’re leaving now. Come on, Luke.”

Calum grew redder than even before when Michael and Luke walked by him, the blonde sending him a wink.  His blush creeped all the way down his arms and everywhere his singlet left his skin uncovered.

Michael could hear Ashton quietly chuckling behind them as he grabbed his keys, opening the door and walking out.

“Well, that was _something_.” Luke muttered when the door closed behind them, starting to giggle.

“Did you know they were boning?” Michael asked, intrigued. He listened intently to the door, trying to figure out if they would just start to shout at each other again, but he didn’t hear anything.

“They fucked _once_ , Michael. And no, I didn’t know.” Luke huffed, lacing their fingers together and leading them up to the roof, away from any possible bit of conversation that could be heard through the door. “I only knew Ashton was talking to Calum about his feelings.”

“And you didn’t tell him it was a _bad_ idea?” Michael groaned. “You _know_ Calum wouldn’t take a hint even if it hit him _in the face._ ”

“Excuse me for having faith in him.” Luke spat.

They had arrived at the spot they had spent more than a night in. It overlooked the city beneath them, now all lit up as the night fell. Michael looked at it for a moment before he took a seat on the ground, sighing.

“I shouldn’t have suggested the test to them.”

“I think they needed that. And it will be fine, Mike. Don’t worry.” Luke assured him, crouching in front of him and using his free hand to cradle his face.

Michael smiled back at him, leaning forward for a small peck.

“I just…” Michael trailed off. “I knew it wouldn’t be pretty for Calum and I still asked him.”

“I don’t think it will put him even more down than he already was. Plus. Ashton offered himself to hype him up.” Luke said as he took a seat next to him. “And… think about it. Both said their desert was filled with dunes and flowers. You said that meant lust and family –children-wise–, respectively. And… I mean… Ash was literally _licking_ cube-Cal.”

“Shut up, I don’t want to picture _that_ , Luke.” Michael whined, rubbing his face.

But Luke just chuckled.

“ _My_ desert also had dunes. You wanna picture _that,_ horsie _?”_

 

 

 

***

 

 

“O-kay, we’re leaving now. Come on, Luke.”

Calum felt himself blush even harder when he caught Luke winking at him as the boy and Michael walked past him and out the door. And then the flat fell completely silent.

He hadn’t looked back to Ashton since the older broke down asking him if he hadn’t even thought about what it would feel for him having seen Calum gone. And now he didn’t know if he had it in him to look back up to him, guilty as he felt for having left him that morning without even talking. He had been an asshole, but…

He had woken up in Ashton’s arms and burrowed in without thinking, basking in the calmness of the morning. And then his brain had started going over the night before, replaying Ashton’s slurred _‘I love you’_ again and again, and then reminding him of that same tone of voice Ashton had adopted when talking to him about that boy he had fallen in love with. And… Calum had felt like trash. He had felt like Ashton hadn’t even recognised him in his drunk state the night before, confused him with that other boy. Calum hadn’t been able to keep it in, had leapt out of the bed and gone straight for the bathroom across the hall, emptying whatever was left from his supper into the toilet and feeling ashamed at having taken advantage of Ashton like that.

So he had gathered his clothes as quickly as he had been able to as Ashton slept on, slipping out of the room and closing the door even before anyone else in the flat got up. He had spent the day in bed, overthinking everything. And then… Ashton had asked him to accompany him grocery shopping after the younger woke up from a nap, and Calum hadn’t been able to say no. Ashton had looked quite hungover, and he hadn’t brought anything up about them having sex. So Calum had assumed he just didn’t want to discuss the previous night. And Calum had thought it best, at the moment, even if it had broken his heart.

He heard Ashton’s hesitant steps walking towards him now, saw his trainers coming to a stop just in front of him, shivered when he heard him breathing. Flashes of last night were still vivid behind his eyelids, the sound of Ashton’s panting fresh in his memory, his hands on Calum’s back, the scratches he had carved in Calum’s skin tingling even now.

“I’m sorry for what I put you through these last three months, Cal.” Ashton mumbled, his feet probing against Calum’s shyly. “I thought you had caught on, but you weren’t ready to talk to me about it.”

That made him laugh. Like, really laugh. How the hell had Ashton come to _that_ conclusion?

“You really thought _I_ had caught on?” He laughed incredulously, probing back at Ashton’s foot.

Ashton laughed a little when Calum hit him lightly in the shin, Calum’s own lips stretching into a smile almost unconsciously upon hearing it. Ashton’s laughter was unlike any other thing he had ever heard. It was bright and warm, like sunrays on a spring day. It made his heart soar in his chest.

“You gave me this look all the time when I talked to you… I thought we were on the same page.” Ashton whispered. “That look… It made me shiver.”

Calum shivered too. Ashton’s tone had reminded him of the night before, and his body reacted to that strongly.

“I think I know _which_ look that was.” Calum whispered back.

He remembered Ashton yesterday, staring up at him as he lay in his bed, looking like a sin, his hair in disarray and flushed to his ears. He remembered his moans and grunts. Calum was going to remember it forever.

He finally glanced up again, his eyes instinctively locking with Ashton’s. “I’m really sorry for leaving this morning. I thought you would regret it, sober.”

Hurt flashed in Ashton’s beautiful eyes, the older leaning away a bit, frowning.

“I could never regret _you_ , Cal. I _love_ you.” Ashton whispered, making the hairs on the back of Calum’s neck stand up and his heart leap out of his chest, his breath caught up in his throat.

The older boy had taken a step closer as he said it, his right hand reaching for Calum’s. The blonde boy couldn’t look away from his hazel eyes now, Ashton’s love shining through them. It made Calum’s heart go crazy inside his chest, something coming alive inside his stomach. He wondered how the hell he had never noticed it, whenever Ashton talked about the guy he was falling in love with. How could he had never _seen_ it. It seemed so fucking clear now, and Calum wanted to kick himself for not having realised sooner.

“I understand this morning now. If you thought I was in love with someone else.” Ashton went on. “But it’s you, Cal. It’s always been _you_.” The older said softly, his free hand coming up to wipe away the single tear that had escaped Calum’s eyes, making him melt against Ashton’s awaiting body, his hands sneaking around the older boy’s middle and squeezing, his forehead falling against Ashton’s.

“I love you, Ash.” He muttered. “I’m sorry I’m so dense. I could have saved us months if I had just…”

“No, I should have told you straight.” Ashton stated, his eyes firm.

“Why didn’t you?” He whispered, although he knew what Ashton’s answer would be. The same as his.

He heard the older take a deep breath, his eyes slipping shut as Calum stayed there, watching as more tears spilled from the corner of his eyes. Ashton’s shoulders were trembling, and it made Calum’s heart wrench within his chest.

“I was scared I would lose you.” Ashton finally whispered, his eyes opening again.

“You’re not going to lose me, Ash.” Calum declares firmly. “Ever.”

Ashton nodded, and Calum let his own eyes slipped shut as he leant forward, his lips brushing the older’s tentatively.

“I love you.” Ashton’s whisper hit his lips, turning his insides to mush.

“I love you too.”

And then Ashton was kissing him softly, his hands cradling his face delicately, like he felt Calum would break if he pressed too hard. It made Calum feel so precious, in his hands. Ashton was taking his breath away with every swipe of his lips, making Calum feel so dizzy he couldn’t even think straight. It was just Ashton. His heart beating a million miles an hour. And his feelings spreading warm all throughout him.

Eventually Ashton broke the kiss, sighing against his lips, letting out a small giggle. Calum laughed too. They really were both fucking idiots, having been wasting _time_ like that. Making each other suffer through the pain of thinking their love was unrequited. Which reminded him…

“Ash.” He murmured, not wanting to disturb the silence around them.

The older boy just hummed in answer, opening his eyes and smiling at him so brightly Calum almost thought twice about asking what he had been thinking to ask. But… He needed to know.

“Did you feel like… I was playing with you?” He asked tentatively, afraid of having hurt Ashton even more than what he thought he had.

“What?”

“You said your horse was playing with the cube, going away and coming back to play repeatedly. I’m just thinking… Did you feel like I was toying with you?”

Ashton frowned, pulling a bit away from him, but he was shaking his head no.

“I didn’t think you were playing me, Cal. You’re too good to even think about playing someone.” He started, and Calum could see his hesitation in his eyes, so he squeezed his hold on him. “I just felt like… Every time I came close to tell you, and I thought you understood me, you pulled away from me. But I now know it was just because I was hurting you. That you felt hurt every time I talked to you about this amazing, beautiful guy I was falling in love with.”

Calum swallowed, suddenly noticing how misty his eyes had gotten.

“Okay.”

“I love you, Cal. I fell in love with you so hard,… It’s a wonder I’m still alive and breathing.” Ashton concluded with a laugh, making Calum shake his head and roll his eyes at him.

He leant forward for another peck, melting against Ashton when the older eagerly returned it. He could feel Ashton’s heart going fast underneath his clothes, and he clutched him even closer, the older letting out a gasp when he fell against Calum’s chest. But he recovered soon enough, swiping his tongue over Calum’s lower lip and quickly leaning in for more, making Calum tremble as memories of the night before flooded his mind. He was about to deepen the kiss, searching for something more, when something popped into his mind. He broke the kiss, Ashton looking at him confusedly.

“What do you reckon the desert and flowers meant, though? We never got to that part.” He wondered out loud.

Ashton let out a breathless giggle, letting go of his face in favour of clutching Calum’s hand and leading them back to his bedroom.

“I don’t care about the desert and the flowers, Cal. Michael and Luke are not going to come back for a while, and I intend to use time wisely.” He said quickly, pushing Calum into the bed as soon as they had made it through the door.

“Yeah? And how are you going to do that, Ash?”

“I have a few ideas, _Sugar_.”

**Author's Note:**

> Tell me what you thought! 🙃


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